Out-of-control Meditation


I was feeling wired up early this evening so I sat down to meditate for a while.  I couldn’t get straight on anything except noticing my “swallow mind” dipping and diving madly. So I asked an inner question I often ask, What am I representing on behalf of the whole? This question has some personal pedigree for me and may not make sense to others. You could also ask, How am I doing in here?

My wiredness is probably connected to putting out a first-ish video today, and intending to get considerably more visible with them. But there are other things. No surprise that many streams contribute to the moment!

As I sit on my pillow I feel a controlling mind that wants to protect me from something I’m afraid of. And I can tell it’s the control that makes me afraid but that doesn’t make it better. I want to stop something from happening. Because I want to control something, because I recoil from it and make it bad I put it into the shadow.

If I ask to see what that is, that thing behind, what was there in the shadows. I literally ask, May I speak to the part that is behind, that I’m afraid of, and listen inside for an answer – to see if I’m connecting with it.  (This is part of a powerful protocol, a form of Voice Dialogue I learned from Diane Musho Hamilton and have used endlessly. You can read how I use it here if you’d like to try it for yourself. I skipped some of the steps in the post you’re reading.)

What I notice when I ask is that the part behind has other things on its mind. It’s looking in another direction toward something else. It’s not so interested in my worries. It’s a part of me that is loyal to something other than my worldly concerns. It’s not concerned how the world wants Andrew to be or how Andrew imagines the world wants him to be.

The world wants me to belong to it, to play in its games and stories and pay my taxes. But this part of me isn’t interested in them or at least it doesn’t see  them as ends in themselves. It’s not interested in how things look differently in moonlight (as Rumi has it). It’s not curious about what happened on Facebook. It’s a little like a father who helps the kids with their  homework; he’s happy to do it but it’s not where he goes when he’s alone.

Now  my attention has shifted a little and I have a sense of another whole world going on backstage there. There’s another whole curtain that could open backstage with a different show.

Now briefly I’m thinking of the Wizard of Oz, the little guy on his little pedestal jiggling the levers. Except that back there there’s no jiggling going on. It’s the people out front, including me, who are working the levers. Up and down the levers go, up and down our fortunes go, left and right we run and fight. The political tides slosh around and spill out of the bathtub. The whole game of playing for advantage continues morn night, this world of getting and losing, the pageant that’s been playing out forever, with us hardly noticing, so busy are we. We play our parts like actors continually afraid we’ll forget our lines and often wishing we had a better role. We’re like kids who feign sick so we don’t have to go to school and then actually think we are sick.  

And the guy behind the curtain I was checking in with, the one who was looking at something else? Where is he looking? And what does he serve? I asked to speak to  the one he serves and there was no sense of reply. I felt into it just a little and sensed a golden presence,  a  loving radiant intelligence, one that’s conscious and aware but not speaking my language, the one that keeps me rooted  in my earthly web of meanings. Not that words are bad, they also point beyond for those who see.

I sit for a little while and bask in the golden glow. I’m not able to take much in but I have a broader sense of the map we’re walking in. There’s nothing to be done to move on up to a higher understanding, except maybe give up control. Let it happen because it’s going to happen, sooner or later, and it might as well be sooner.  And if there’s a hope for the world it’s that we’d give up that control and let it all fall apart, taking care of each other as well as we can while we do. There’s no plan that can do it. It’ll happen by itself. It’s already way out of our control, just like it ever was.

The picture above is from the Cheerio Challenge, where Dads stack cheerios on their sleeping kids. The spirit of play we want in meditation too! Love receiving comments and knowing you’re out there!

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